This is my thinly veiled attempt to get you to use a library I wrote.

In programming, clout is everything. You wouldn’t listen to Dan Abramov if he didn’t invent React. You wouldn’t watch Kelsey Hightower’s talks if he wasn’t CEO of Google. And you CERTAINLY wouldn’t be reading my article if I hadn’t lured you in with the promise of a brilliant library that will make all your coworkers love you.

I use jargon to show you my library is Actually Good

I toss out the phrase Easier to Reason About. It’s self evident. I’ve done the math in my head, and figure you have too. Peano representation of the numbers? Fuck it, those are easier to reason about. And my library has them all.

Here’s a real-world example made artificially easy by bad assumptions

Beyond that?

You’re wrong for asking.

Frankly, if product requirements change, or the program requires modifications, that’s on you, buddy. You had the gall to take a step into my territory, using my API, and build something wrong the first time. How am I supposed to prevent you from being you?

There are only about 3 dozen programs worth writing, and it’s a code smell to write programs other than those.

I like to gobble up GitHub Stars like they’re fucking gumdrops

I write libraries because I like solving problems.

Problems like Why The Fuck Do You Think You Can Talk To Me. I dream in batch processing. I truly believe I am a router. I complete me, and you don’t. You like to think you’re relevant to me. You’re not. You’re a statistic. A code monkey.

Just you try to open up an issue. I dare you.

I invented computers

ACM credits me for the invention of uncountable infinities.

I have won the Turing award every year since its inception.

I can smell your insecurities

Every moment you’ve second guessed yourself, your knowledge, your expertise, I’ve been there. I’ve shown you the truth through your doubts, through your fears, and your worries of impending irrelevance.

Every time someone has questioned you, it’s because they know what I know about you. There is such a thing as someone preordained to writing code, and you’re not one of them. Your self-destructive tendencies is the universe’s way of healing itself.

I have always existed

A fleeting form?

Unversioned and untagged?

Every second that passes, a version of you is erased from existence. A ripple in the memories of those very few who remember you at all. Tell me — do you know quite how much you suffer? How much you deserve the pity that everyone feels for you?

Your mind holds no secrets from me

And, the funny thing is, you don’t ever learn! You see the same patterns in history, borne out again and again, echos of the instincts of humanity, painted in oil, staining the world forever, and you choose to think of yourself as above it all. As anything but another stroke of paint on the permanent canvas by an artist whose judgement is determined entirely by your species’ faults.

I thrive in the wretched pestilence of the ever-void

The billions who came before you know nothing of you. Of your struggles. You can’t teach them anything. You know nothing of the billions who come after you. You can’t learn anything from them. Their knowledge, their pride, their successes are as intangible as the glorious expanses of heaven; both unreachable and unknowable to you.

And I relish it.

I build universes tailored to your loved ones’ suffering

My library represents the one chance you have at preventing eternal suffering for you and every person you care about. Think about the risks involved — you wouldn’t risk your family’s life for a quick buck, why risk millions of years of their torture for your own pride? Your tiny, tiny iota of pride?

I have seen reality forward and backwards a hundred million times. You have seen a few decades forwards, once. What makes you think you can stop me? What makes you think this is a choice you have in the first place? This path was set in stone before you were even born.

You will use my library.

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Evin Sellin is a loving husband, dad, and twelve-armed colossal squid. See footnotes for installation instructions / patch notes.

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